How To Grow Marijuana In Your Basement Here’s More Information

>> JENNY: Sweetheart, we have to
leave after this– we have
Christopher’s music class.
>> RUXIN: Who’s Christopher?
>> ANDRE: Ah, Chalupa Batman.
>> Oh.
>> By the way, what’s up with
I haven’t seen him in a while.
Is he talking?
>> Christopher is great.
>> KEVIN: Yeah.
>> And he’s, you know…
babies are…
>> By the way Einstein didn’t
speak till he was three years
>> PETE: You think Einstein may
have been working from better
genetic material?
>> Or he can end up working at
Einstein’s Bagels.
>> You guys are all so smart.
What were your first words,
>> “Poo-poo,” I stand by them.
It’s a classic, I still use it.
I hope they’re my last words.
>> Ruxin?
>> I was told that my first
words were “Not me.”
>> Oh, typical corporate
attorney denying responsibility
from birth.
>> What about you, Andre?
>> Oh, oh, let me guess.
“I want stone-washed Rock &
Republic diapers.”
>> My first word was “Amaretto.”
>> Yeah, that makes sense.
Your parents were probably
pounding the hard stuff as soon
as you were born.
(dog barking)
>> Ruxin, can’t you just lock
that dog away while we’re here?
>> Look, I don’t want Kale 2.0
either, but ever since
Taco brought over that canine
old folks home, Geoffrey wanted
a dog.
>> Well, he’s a creepy dog.
He’s a perv.
He pops a boner every time I’m
around him.
It’s embarrassing.
>> It’s embarrassing that he’s
got such terrible taste.
>> Hey!
>> Take it easy, herdsman.
>> Hey, little pooch.
>> It’s mortifying, you guys.
I can’t even look.
It’s disgusting.
>> No lipstick.
>> Nothing happening.
>> There’s nothing.
>> Really?
>> Not even a pig in a blanket.
>> Oh, well, thank goodness
’cause it’s just such a relief
because it’s just, it’s
I’m happy you’re such a good
Yes, I am.
>> That’s right.
Use your Kathleen Turner voice
on him.
>> You know, I am so happy that
nothing is happening.
>> Rejected!
>> I’m not upset about this, you
>> If you still want him to pop
some wood, maybe you could do
what you do to Kevin and express
his anal glands.
>> That happened once.
>> Once?
>> Once.
>> Oh, so Jenny’s pinky’s first
word was “poo-poo,” too.
>> I can’t stop thinking about
that stupid dog.
I mean, the lipstick didn’t even
get out of the purse.
>> It didn’t even make it out of
>> It’s stupid.
It’s really bothering me.
>> It is, come here.
You know you and that dog
have been growing apart for
quite some time now.
>> Don’t joke, Kevin.
>> And the dog’s older and
you’re getting older.
>> What?
>> Well, I mean, factually,
babe, you… every day are
becoming one day older than the
previous day.
>> No, I’m not actually.
>> You’re right.
Look, it’s not about you.
It’s about the dog.
The dog has gotten so many
boners for you, he is over it.
The way you get sick of having
sex with the same person
>> Excuse me?
>> What? No, no!
No, no, not me.
I’ll have sex with you right now
to prove how interested I am in
having sex with you.
>> Oh, the only reason you would
have sex with me right now is to
prove that you are still
interested in having sex with
>> Well, we just did it a couple
days ago.
>> (groans) Good night.
>> I’m not a machine.
Ah, I’ll be ready to go in the
morning though, babe.
>> So what are we thinking the
old first words for Chalupa are
gonna be?
>> If it’s a numbers game, it’s
gonna be Mom, Dad or shitbag.
>> Or Uncle Andre.
>> Uncle Andre?
>> ‘Cause I’m the godfather.
>> Who told you that you were
the godfather?
>> Well, you didn’t say it, but
I feel like I’ve been taking
that role.
>> Hello.
>> Whoa, what the hell is that?
>> This is Elvis.
Ellie’s class cockatoo.
>> We never discussed an Elvis.
>> We have a new teacher.
She wants everyone to take a
>> Wait, I’m sorry.
The school let you take home a
pet after what happened to
Shakespeare the guinea pig last
>> That was an accident.
>> Dad, you have to promise me
not to kill, cook or eat this
one ’cause I love Elvis.
>> Yeah, who doesn’t love Elvis?
>> Um… the cage.
>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
>> Um, is this all right?
(Elvis screeching)
>> Oh, my God.
>> Elvis!
>> Oh, my God!
>> It got me, too!
>> And none for me.
>> How did you not get hit?
>> I’ve never been hit.
Birds just don’t find me
>> Huh, must’ve been a female
>> I’m lucky.
>> No, bullshit, you are due.
>> Yeah.
>> There is a grand dookie drop
coming your way.
>> It’s gonna be a juggerpoop.
>> I’ve never been hit.
I won’t be hit.
>> Jesus, Taco.
>> Taco!
>> I’m literally getting a
contact high sitting right next
to you.
>> TACO: I’m gonna start
charging for that.
>> What is in the briefcase?
>> Well, goddamn popo’s cracking
down on weed again, so I’m
converting all my green assets
into a safer drug currency.
It’s a briefcase brownie.
>> Whoa!
>> Jesus.
>> This is easier to store, way
less suspicious and much easier
to get animals high with.
>> Okay, great.
>> Now I can go to the cloud
whenever I want ’cause I have
the cloud with me at all times.
It’s like a cloud bank.
>> I don’t think the cloud is
what you think it is.
>> By the way, did I miss the
circle jerk?
>> Yeah, Andre won.
>> Oh, good work, Andre.
>> I didn’t even know about
>> Hey, CB.
Daddy found an amazing new stats
Web site.
It’s subscription-based so the
other cockhonkers would never
spring for it.
It analyzes play-calling
tendencies, strength of schedule
and it will tell me the top
sleeper for the second half of
the season.
So after this week’s games when
the waiver wire opens up, I’m
gonna pick up Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead, yup.
Oh, Isaiah Pead, my beautiful
chocolate Jesus.
>> Isaiah Pead.
>> No, no… (shushes)
>> Isaiah Pead.
>> No, no…
Oh, uh…
>> Isaiah Pead!
>> Oh, stop the clock!
Did he just say his first words?
>> No, no, that was me.
That was me talking pee-pee talk
to him.
>> Are you sure he didn’t say
any words?
>> I… He…
>> I heard his voice.
I heard him say words.
>> Does this smell like shit?
>> Oh, God, Kevin!
>> Does it?
Oh, God, it does!
Smell this.
You did that.
That’s a man poop.
Does this phone smell like shit?
>> Oh, God, that’s the worst
pickup line ever.
>> Smell like shit?
>> Get out of my face, please.
>> Let me, let me smell it.
>> Smell like shit?
>> Ooh, yeah.
>> Please, smell it again.
Smell it again.
>> All right, enough…
>> It smells like shit.
>> Is anyone gonna fix the
flickering light in the men’s
It’s like a goddamn Nine Inch
Nails video in there.
It’s gonna give me a seizure.
>> Relax, Taco, why don’t you
take another withdraw from the
cloud bank?
>> Yeah, that’s a good idea.
I don’t know what it is with
this thing.
It’s just not doing it for me.
>> Oh, I know why you’re being a
little bitch because these don’t
have any reefer in them.
>> And they skipped on the
>> Oh, God, that’s why I’ve been
feeling so weird.
I haven’t felt this way since I
was a little kid.
I accidently got not high.
>> Hey, the cloud’s gone.
>> It looks like there’s gonna
be some clear skies for Taco.
>> Oh, God, what-what do I do?
Do you think everyone knows I’m
not high?
Everything is so clear.
I can see your pores,
You guys are so ugly.
Why are we even friends?
What’s going on?
We have nothing in common.
>> We’re brothers.
>> Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No one forces me to face reality
without THC.
You hear me? No one!
This shall not stand.
>> Uh, ma’am,
you forgot your cookie.
>> Whoa!
What the hell’s going on in
>> Hey, man, you’re, uh…
>> Yeah, the guy who brought you
all his weed so that you’d turn
it into a brownie and give it to
>> Yes!
>> Yeah.
>> We made that brownie.
And then we ate that brownie.
>> So you stole it from me?
>> No, we redistributed.
>> Are you high?
Look at that stupid grin and
your laid-back demeanor.
That’s supposed to be me!
(scoffs) Look at… nothing’s
getting through to him.
You ever experience anything
like this?
>> No.
>> No.
>> No.
>> Oh, what’s happening right
>> ♪ Baked in a bakery
And I’m as stoned as hell
Gonna go home early ’cause we
ate everything we sell… ♪
>> Okay, stop it! Stop it!
No one wants to hear stupid,
made-up songs.
Where the hell’d you get that
>> I brought it with me.
>> You just bring a guitar to
>> Doesn’t everybody?
>> (groans) This is so
It’s like talking to a block of
marble. (groans)
(Taco speaking French)
>> Bonjour, Kevin.
Comment ça va?
>> When did you start speaking
>> I took four years of it in
And all of a sudden, it’s just
all coming back to me.
I keep having a stream of
thoughts that are all connected,
instead of just random ones
every now and again.
>> It’s called thinking, Taco.
>> I do not like this thinking.
And remember those secret
camping trips that Uncle Frank
used to take us on?
>> Shh, shh, shh.
>> I don’t think we ever left
his backyard.
>> Ellie, um, take your homework
Come on.
>> Oh, God, I-I am not meant to
be a part of this world.
Please, I need to borrow some
money so I can go get some weed.
>> No! I’m not subsidizing your
weed habit, Taco.
And besides, with the weed
crackdown, the prices are
through the roof.
I can’t afford it.
>> Why is the government always
cracking down on these
small-time drug dealers?
Because drugs ruin lives and
they’re illegal and that’s the
government’s job.
Ah! Make it stop!
(speaking French)
God, has your head always been
that big?
>> Think it’s still growing.
>> Mmm, you ready?
>> Yes.
>> Hey, Jenny. You look great.
Going out to dinner, I guess,
>> Yeah, we have to leave early
enough so we can swing by
I have that book for Sofia.
>> Okay.
>> Something’s going on over
there with that dog.
>> Right? I know. It’s weird.
>> This erectile conundrum is
quite intriguing.
You see, dogs get boners–
that’s what they do.
And if he’s not getting boners
for you, he’s getting boners for
someone or something else.
Now, if you’ll humor me for a
second, I came up with a law,
conservation of boners.
>> Wow.
>> You see, there’s a finite
amount of boner energy, or
“bonergy,” in the universe.
Now, boners cannot be created or
>> Oh, boners can be destroyed.
>> In the bedroom, yes, but not
in theoretical physics.
Now, my theory is that the
missing doggy boners are being
transformed into other boners.
>> So, wait, I am turning on
other animals now and they’re
getting boners for me?
>> Transmigration of boners?
No, no, no. See, that was
debunked a long time ago.
The science just isn’t there.
Boners cannot teleport.
They can only move in one
continuous flow of blood to
I mean, where would those boners
be going?
To Kevin? Nah, that dick’s
deader than disco.
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Is he tying a stick to it
>> Hey.
>> Oh, look, it’s the prostitute
my dog ordered.
>> Excuse me?
Oh, no, no, no.
See, Kevin and I…
>> Hey.
>> …we were just on our way to
dinner, and I thought it would
be a great opportunity to return
the book that I borrowed from
>> Well, Sofia’s not here, and
she barely likes reading menus.
>> You know what?
Just go get the goddamn dog,
>> Absolutely.
Oh, Kale, your dog streetwalker
has arrived.
>> Come here, babe.
Well, there he is.
Handsome devil.
You come here.
Oh, does that feel good?
>> I think he can sense that
you’re not wearing underwear.
>> Oh, do you like it when I do
You want me to do it a little
harder, a little faster?
>> This is a low point, not only
for you but I think for the dog
as well.
Not that into it, huh?
>> You know what?
I don’t know what you did to
this poor dog.
Is he drunk?
>> Yeah, he’s into Bordeaux now.
>> Really?
>> Yeah, he’s a Bor-dog.
He’s not so much into wine
>> I am not a wine cooler, okay,
At the very least, I am a
top-shelf boxed wine.
>> Hey.
>> We’re leaving. Grab my coat.
>> Okay.
>> Later, Franzia.
>> My streak was almost broken,
all right?
I leave my work. I see a bird.
Boom, we lock eyes.
I start walking quick ’cause I
don’t want to get shit on,
And then I get to my car, try to
get the door open, get inside,
slam the door and what happens?
Shit right on the windshield.
>> It’s a near-dookie
It means your next time you
won’t be so lucky.
>> You’re not getting in my
head anymore.
You think you’re so cool.
You’re like a low-rent frittata
Keyser Soze.
>> I like it. I’ll take it.
>> That’s you.
>> Yeah.
>> Hello, gentlemen.
Oh, Pete, ah, it looks like
we’re matched up this week.
>> That’s right.
This week is my Taco-bye.
I’ll tell you what, I will start
three kickers if you start three
>> (chuckles) Oh, that’s funny.
You know what else is funny?
>> What’s that?
>> When I stopped smoking, not
only did my knowledge of the
French language come back but
my love of all things football
as well, mm-hmm.
>> What?
>> If you think I’m gonna be
playing Chris Johnson at
Seattle, you’re sadly mistaken.
No, the Seahawks, dude, they
take it to the next level with
the 12th Man.
However, I will be calling up
the Law Firm.
>> How do you know what the Law
>> BenJarvus Green-Ellis?
Yeah, yeah. I like him for at
least one short TD against the
Bills, maybe two.
I also have a good friend by the
name of Jimmy Graham.
Yeah, the Saints in a
high-scoring game against the
Sky’s the limit.
As for kickers, I’m gonna play
only one, thank you, and I’m
thinking Matt Prater.
So that every time your Peyton
Manning scores, this guy gets a
point as well.
You might want to stretch your
jaw, Pete, ’cause you’re gonna
eat a lot of shit this week.
(speaks French)
>> What?
>> No, no, no, no, no.
That is not fair.
Everybody else got their
I want my win this week!
>> Aw…
>> I was counting on this
victory to get me up to 500.
>> You’re scared.
>> A smart and sober Taco is a
detriment to the league.
We have to get up on that wagon,
and we have to knock his ass
We did it once before, remember?
>> Okay, Pete, I stole the weed
from my parents.
Now can I be in the group?
>> We’ll see, Andre.
>> Bring us a picture of your
sister naked.
Then we’ll talk.
>> Hey, Kevin, Mom’s gonna get
mad at you for missing piano
>> My brother’s such a geek.
>> Stop it.
>> Let’s get him high.
>> Yeah!
>> No! No!
Hmm, interesting.
>> Dude, he’s so high he doesn’t
even remember his own name.
Do you remember what your name
>> Taco.
My name is Taco.
>> No way. Taco.
>> On that day, Taco was born.
Now, I decree we must re-stone
>> As commissioner, I say no to
re-stoning my brother.
He may actually end up being a
functional member of society,
perhaps even starting a family.
Look at him.
>> Hi there.
>> Hi.
>> You are very attractive.
Would you like to have sexual
intercourse with me in the
>> No.
>> In the ladies’ room?
>> Dude, I’m sorry. I’m just…
I’m not interested.
>> I mean, honestly, why would
you be?
I have no visible means of
support, I wear clothes I find
on buses and I comb my hair with
a fork.
>> Ew, you’re just gross.
>> Yeah.
Go find someone who deserves
>> Maybe not the family part
>> Guys, I just realized… I am
not a catch.
Taco Corp? It’s a joke.
>> Don’t forget about the pee
>> Pee bib?
It’s a goddamn napkin.
>> All right, CB, these are
your last moments with Elvis.
He’s going to bed, so that means
you have to go to bed.
>> Isaiah Pead.
>> No, no, stop saying, “Isaiah
It’s important that Dada gets
Isaiah Pead and not Mama.
>> Isaiah Pead.
>> Stop saying, “Isaiah Pead.”
I’m Papa.
>> Papa.
>> Good job, CB!
>> (squawk): Isaiah Pead!
>> Ball sack! Not you!
>> Isaiah Pead! Isaiah Pead!
>> Stop saying Isaiah Pead.
>> Isaiah Pead. Isaiah Pead.
>> I’m home!
>> Oh.
>> Hello? Got the groceries.
>> (squawk): Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead! Isaiah Pead.
>> Stop saying that.
>> Isaiah…
>> Oh, my God!
>> Hello?
>> Isaiah Pead. Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
>> No, no. No Isaiah Pead.
Jenny’s home.
>> Okay. I have them all myself.
>> Isaiah Pead. Isaiah Pead.
>> Hey, stop it! Let go!
Get back! Oh! Go! God. Oh!
>> Isaiah Pead.
(squawks) Isaiah Pead.
>> Shut up, you shit sipper!
>> Isaiah… (groans)
(plopping in liquid)
>> Oh, Elvis! Oh, no!
>> (slowly): Isaiah Pead.
>> (gasps): Oh, Elvis.
Looks like the toilet bowl got
you twice.
>> Kevin?
>> Oh, uh…
>> Kevin?
>> Isaiah…
(toilet flushing)
(gurgling): Pead…
(man speaks indistinctly on TV)
>> Jenny, I’m surprised you’re
rockin’ the sweats.
You just gave up completely on
getting the Kale boner?
>> Oh, you know, what’s the
>> Yeah, that’s the only reason
to look pretty– the dog.
>> Where’s PBS on this thing?
(woman on TV shrieks)
>> Whoa, that is not PBS.
That is Red Shoe something…
(women moaning)
>> Oh!
>> Oh, there it is.
>> The bone zone.
>> Now, that’s the good good.
>> Oh, shut up.
Stop doing that.
>> There you have it– a doggie
>> Okay, so, Jenny no longer
produces canus erectus, but
scantily-clad women torturing
each other does.
>> Kale, get off the table.
>> It’s as if he’s be
desensitized to normal human
women and now can only be
aroused by women in violent
>> That’s a stretch, Taco, all
>> That’s ridiculous.
>> It is, but not impossible.
Why do you think this is the
case, Ruxin?
That only young, pert she-whores
now inflame your pet, when
Jenny, in the rattiest of Old
Navy irregular sale items, used
to do it for him?
>> Hmm?
>> I’m not sure.
I’ll think about it while I’m
getting you guys some more
beers, or…
>> Hmm. Oh, they’re okay.
They have plenty of beers.
Now, if we use the principals of
deduction, I’m sure we can get
to the bottom of this.
>> Okay, you guys do that while
I take my dog for a walk.
See you.
>> A walk? Of course!
I know where the boners have
>> All right, if you’re gonna
drop a steamer, do it in the
bushes, all right, buddy?
>> As Ruxin was so kind to
remind us, he’s been taking his
dog for longer walks recently.
>> I think the coast is clear,
>> And we all know Sofia’s
strict, no-porn policy.
>> Yeah, there’s such a plethora
of free sites now.
Look at this.
These girls are sisters.
They fight a lot, but they
actually love each other.
>> Oh!
>> So, I submit that Ruxin has
been watching pornography on his
cell phone during his dog walks.
>> Balderdash!
>> Ah, ha, ha, ha!
We all know Ruxin’s favorite
porn subgenres are girl-on-girl
and bondage.
>> Aah!
>> Ew.
>> And the little doggie started
watching the pornography with
his master.
>> I was hoping for a little
more interracial stuff, but all
Hey, Kale, you’re drilling a
hole through my leg, buddy.
Come on.
>> And thus the case of the
missing dog erections is closed.
>> That actually kind of holds
>> That makes sense.
>> You’re like the Hard-on Boys.
>> Goddamn it, Taco, you idiot,
genius, frittata, busybody!
You think you’re so smart.
>> A sneer is the weapon of the
>> What?
>> Huh?
>> Huh?
>> James Russell Lowell.
Look him up.
Ooh, there’s a volume eight.
>> We need to re-high him.
>> Yeah.
>> Hope you have your
prescription pad, Andre, ’cause
we need some medical-grade shit.
>> Hey, I got the drugs.
>> Andre, wait, wait, wait,
>> Oh, what?
>> Oh, yes.
>> Oh.
>> You are gonna get it.
Your time has come!
> No, no, no, no!
It’s not my time.
>> Oh, really? Andre, just
throw me the bag, okay?
>> Aah… uh… (groans)
>> Go gracefully, Andre.
You’ve had your time.
>> No, no, no.
Give me your jacket.
>> Just throw me the drugs so we
can save them.
>> Throw me your jacket, and
I’ll throw you the bag.
>> Hell, no!
>> You think you’re so smart.
I’m the smart one. Watch this.
>> Are you going back draft?
(Andre yelling)
(slow-motion yelling)
(Andre sighs)
>> Look, look.
Nothing, not at all.
>> Unbelievable.
>> Hear that birds? Ha, ha!
(bicycle bell dings, yelling)
>> Oh.
(Andre groans)
Thanks, Andre. Are you okay?
Oh, Andre, judgment day. Uh-oh!
(Andre groans)
Oh, that’s the juggerpoop!
>> Help me! Help me!
>> You are literally a shit
I’m not touching you.
(Andre cries)
(horn wailing)
>> I don’t know much about pop
culture, ’cause I don’t own a
>> Oh, my God, I don’t own a
>> I love talking to other
people who don’t own televisions
about not owning a television.
>> I love talking to people that
have televisions about how I
don’t own a television.
(tires squealing)
>> I love talking to people who
don’t own televisions around
people who own televisions.
Oh, hey, guys.
>> Oh, my God.
>> What’s going on? Hey!
Put me down, will you?!
>> Shut your mouth!
>> Come on!
>> Put me down!
>> Hit it!
>> Go, go, go, go, go, go!
(indistinct shouting)
>> You stay down!
>> What’s going on?
What are you guys doing?
Let go of me!
>> Okay, we’re clear!
>> What’s going on?
>> All right.
>> What are you guys doing?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want
to go to dehab.
>> We don’t want to send you,
buddy, but we think it’s best
for everyone.
>> No.
>> Except for you.
>> I’m reading The Corrections.
I have to finish it!
I don’t know how it ends!
>> It’s super depressing.
>> Light ’em up, boys.
>> No!
>> An apple a day keeps Smart
Taco away.
>> No! (coughing)
Let go of me! No! Please!
(Taco coughs)
>> Drop it in!
(Taco stops coughing)
>> Is he dead?
>> Is he dumb?
>> Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Ruspin.
>> Hi, Taco.
>> Welcome home.
>> Oh, yeah!
(inhales deeply)
Those are really cool hats.
>> Waiver wire is open.
Isaiah Pead, please.
(bird squawks)
>> (weakly): Isaiah Pead.
>> What’s that?
>> Isaiah Pead.
>> Hello?
>> Isaiah Pead.
>> Hello? Hello?
(Elvis laughs and squawks)
>> Oh!
>> (loudly): Isaiah Pead!
>> Die, devil bird, die!
>> Isaiah Pead! Pead! Pead!
Isaiah Pead!
>> Oh.
>> (squawks): Isaiah Pead.
>> Oh.
>> What is going on in here?
>> Elvis?
>> Isaiah Pead. Isaiah Pead.
>> Isaiah Pead?
Isaiah Pead.
It’s a really good idea,
Okay, Lady MacArthur’s adding
Isaiah Pead.
>> Isaiah Pead.
>> Boom. High five, dude.
>> Hello.
>> Yeah.
>> Oh, no, no!
Elvis, why can’t you stay dead,
you shitbag, bird?
>> Shitbag. Shitbag.
>> Shitbag!
>> Wow. Great first word.
>> Shitbag!
>> Shitbag. Shitbag.
>> Oh, zip it.
>> Shitbag. (squawk)

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